One of the hardest things....

So.. August is the month I don't sleep.. or can't sleep.. Either school things are running through my brain or I am thinking about all I did during the summer... or like tonight I find myself sad and depressed that I have let myself gain weight back. Sad because I know better. I know exactly what to do to loose weight and be fit. Sad because I have always had to worry about it, even as a child... Depressed because I know how super fast I can gain weight... and how LONG it takes to loose it! Depressed because over the last 4 years I have lost a bunch and let it, LET it slowly creep back on.

So... This post is because I just have to come to grips with it and admit it to myself so I can get over this being depressed phase and do something about it... And I have to write it at 3 am because if I don't I will not be able to sleep at all tonight... I am not one that enjoys posting pictures of just myself so that makes it even harder.... So, as hard as this will be, with pain in my heart, here it goes....

June 2009

This is me the summer before I decided to join Weight Watchers. This is probably the biggest I have ever been... and I do NOT want to go back there!  I might look like I am happy but I am far from it.  After this summer I moved to Copperas Cove, joined the gym and worked out frequently but did not change my eating habits until January 2010, when I joined Weight Watchers... Christmas 2009 I had had enough of feeling sorry for myself and went back to Cove after Christmas break and told Aunt Mary I had decided to join Weight Watchers... She had been thinking the same thing so we joined together... We did awesome! The program was great... It truly is a lifestyle change not just a crash diet.. It is still by far my favorite "diet" because I can still have things I enjoy I just have account for it. Along with Weight Watchers I started running... I ran.. and ran.. and ran.. trained for and ran a complete half-marathon the March after starting my weight loss journey! I felt great! I felt happy! I started to actually like myself, which after 24 years of NOT liking myself very much it felt good to start having feelings of thinking I'm alright. So I kept going and was successful!

July 2010

One year after the picture above... what a difference! But even more than difference in appearance I was so happy! Before loosing weight, I had seriously thought NO one would ever love me.. I mean how could they if I didn't even like myself! A few weeks after this picture I had decided I will just live life and in the Lord's time I will meet someone but for then I was happy just living life... Low and behold about a month after this picture is when David and I started talking... Crazy!

Christmas 2010

Our first Christmas! This is probably the skinniest I ever got and by numbers I was still "big" compared to others... Although I technically wasn't close to "goal" in Weight Watchers and I was still working towards that goal number, I felt good, very fit, happy, one the right track!

November 2011

After that first Christmas, my "skinny Christmas", I kept working out and continued with Weight Watchers but I started to slack a little... I didn't gain much.. more yoyo-ed up and down throughout the next year... which by the way yoyoing up and down is hard on the emotions! Poor David.. I would be ok one day with myself and then get depressed the next because I needed to work harder...

June 2012

This is on our honeymoon... Though I wasn't at my skinniest ever I was very in shape... I had gotten to the point I was spending 2-3 hours running and working out... I wanted to look and feel good for our wedding.. I had a lot of motivation... Pictures!!  That kind of motivation is good but also very bad because once those thousands of pictures have been taken where is the motivation then?!?!  I wanted so much to keep it up but I didn't... I moved to west Texas.. David was out for summer at the same time.. We had no routine.. We watched a lot of TV.. Ate terrible.. It was hot so I made excuses to not workout as much.. Ugh.. So mad at myself! 

July 2013

A year after we were married... I probably gained.. umm.. 20 or so pounds our first year of marriage! Oh my gosh it literally hurts to admit that to myself, much less in public! I exercised off and on throughout the year but exercising and not eating well kind of counteracts each other... So, October 2013 I decided to start over at Weight Watchers, after not being going to Weight Watchers for a year - excuse was trying to not spend the extra money... So I started back.. After rejoining I lost about 12 pounds and then yoyo-ed for about 3-5 months after and stopped completely after leaving Amarillo for the summer.  I have exercised off and on this summer... but oh my goodness our eating has been so bad! 

July 2014

I am not yet where I was in summer 2009 but I am much closer than I want to be!  This is my breaking point.. I have to change... So, back to Weight Watchers I go! Ugh.. For the 3rd time! SO darn embarrassing!  I hate the fact that I have to walk back in and get weighed and have gained everything I lost back since October plus a few. Ugh.. But I have to bite the bullet and get it over with so I can be on my way to liking myself again...

Hopefully in a few weeks I can post a update about being successful.. even if I don't loose much in a couple weeks, if I start back on program and start exercising more often, that will be a step in the right direction...

My plan... Go back to Weight Watchers... Cut back on sweet tea (oh how I love sweet tea!)... tracking what I eat... and exercise.. I have to spend the next two week getting ready for school to start, which means trainings during the day, working in my classroom most evenings.. but I will try to throw SOME exercise in there... After school starts I plan to join the Amarillo Town Club so I can go to group classes like cycling and body pump, have somewhere to run when it is snowing or too cold outside, and swim! I love swimming so I am definitely looking forward to that! 

Sigh... There you go.. one of the hardest things for me to show the world but I can't change when I can't admit there is a problem...